Take a shot every time I use an exclamation mark!

Mainly because it means I don’t have to write anything new, and partly because I think it will entertain you, here is (probably) the best thing I’ve ever written – I showed it to my teacher and got a star sticker put on it, if you need proof of the standard.

I used to be very scared of slugs so wrote this pretty speciesist poem when I was 9 or 10 just for fun calling for an international slug cull. Because what child doesn’t have genocide on their mind?

Anyway, here’s my poem about slugs which I rather imaginatively titled: Slugs.

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This is real life, not Monopoly

I thought I’d kick this off by giving you an idea of the kind of tone we’re working with. In Year 9, we were told to write a poem about something we were passionate about.

I could have written a poem about something really deep and meaningful but, instead, I wrote it about jam.

I won second prize in that poetry contest and collected £15, because, no, that kind of stuff doesn’t just happen when you land on Community Chest in Monopoly.

Here is said award winning poem:

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