Could Leonardo DiCaprio have ‘drowneded’ in all of his films?

Recently in my life, I went on a holiday with my friends, or squad, which we imaginatively called our squaliday. Considering that 90% of this blog’s audience are the people who went on the squaliday, it would make sense to write about our hilarious misadventures of the past week for the purposes of nostalgia and relatability.

Instead, I’m going to delve into a more pressing investigation. My hypothesis: Leonardo DiCaprio could’ve ‘drowneded’ in all of his films.

In everyone’s favourite Leonardo DiCaprio film, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, for which Leo was nominated his first Oscar, Leo’s character gets left by his brother Gilbert in the bath  overnight and then cries to his mum the next day saying “I could’ve drowneded! I could’ve drowneded!” What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? was Leo’s first major role in a film and it seems that in all his subsequent films, his characters all could’ve drowneded at some point. Or not. I’m writing this before investigating fully. It could be wrong. Let’s see.

Um sidenote also. I haven’t seen all of the film’s Leo’s been in. Sorry. So scientific as this may have seemed so far, it’s going to be based on just some of his films. If I did this properly like an actual internet theory person then I would have lost part of who I am. This blog is not for things done properly.

  • Romeo + Juliet – he definitely could’ve drowneded when Romeo and Juliet go and have some fun times in a swimming pool. A POOL. Everyone knows there’s an 80% chance of almost drowning just by looking at a photo of a pool on google images. And he went under the water. UNDER IT. To be frank, it baffles me that neither Leo or Clare Danes didn’t drown from such an insane risk. The only thing more likely to make him almost drown is if he’d had a bath or, God forbid, stepped in a puddle.
  • Catch Me If You Can – I’m going to say yes, Frank Abagnale could’ve drowneded in this film. There aren’t really any scenes with a lot of water in them, but as is the nature of a film about someone impersonating a pilot, Leo’s character goes on a lot of planes. And sorry to any nervous flyers reading this, but there is always a chance that a plane might crash. The current statistic is that there’s a 1 in 11 million chance that you will die in a plane crash. But planes were less advanced in the 1960s when the film is set, so it’s more likely for a plane crash to have happened, and, of plane crashes that caused fatal accidents in the 1960s, there was a 19% survival rate. Which meanssss… that if Leo’s character had been in a plane crash, which is sort of likely, it is very likely that he would have died. Andddd, at the end of the film, he is flying from France to the US, so, if the plane had crashed, it seems only probable that it would have been in the sea. Andddddd, if his plane had crashed in the sea, his possible cause of death would most probably have been, you guessed it, drowning. BOOM.
  • The Wolf of Wall Street – er his yacht gets hit by a freaking massive tsunami wave in the middle of the goddamn sea. Yes. Drowning was very much on the cards.
  • Blood Diamond: I’ve never actually seen this film but yes, Leonardo DiCaprio could’ve drowneded. Wild card time – he could’ve drowneded IN REAL LIFE. While filming Blood Diamond, Leo was in a cage in the sea for… shark viewing? I don’t know what it’s called. Anyway, the tuna got stuck at the top of the cage and a huge great white shark jumped into the cage with him so Leo was left crouching at the bottom of the cage to escape the literal jaws of death. This could easily feature in a post about all the times Leonardo DiCaprio could’ve been eaten by a ginormous shark but, more importantly, it can feature in a post about times Leonardo DiCaprio could’ve drowneded, like this one.
  • The Great Gatsby. Of course he could’ve drowneded! (See Romeo + Juliet entry for the harrowing dangers of pools)
  • Inception. Every time Leo goes into Limbo, don’t we see him crawling out of the sea or something? I can’t really remember but we’re going to say he did, and that’s good enough evidence for this investigator. Could’ve drowneded? A resounding and insufficiently researched yes!
  • Shutter Island. As the title of the film may hint at, this film is set on an island; which, by definition, necessitates a lot of water: the key ingredient in any drowning opportunity. In particular, Leo could easily have drowneded when he has to climb down a cliff face in order to get into a cave in order to speak to a character in order to advance the plot. If he had fallen and miraculously not been killed by the fall, death by drowning is not far fetched.
  • Titanic. I know what you’re thinking: “HA. This enquiry is about when Leo could have drowned, not when he actually drowned, you IDIOT. Your theory fails, YOU MORON. IN YOUR FACE.” 1. Indoor voices please. 2. No. In Titanic, Leo merely sinks into the sea after his icy death. He freezes to death – he doesn’t drown. BUT he could’ve drowneded in pretty much every scene in the film except the poker bit at the start. SO THERE. Now who looks silly? You do.

So there we have it: a slapdash evaluation of some random pieces of evidence, carelessly analysed after little or research. Nevertheless, utterly conclusive support for my scientific hypothesis: Leonardo DiCaprio could’ve drowneded in all of his films. CONFIRMED.

I’m not sure what this means. Perhaps it symbolises the actor’s struggle: something about treading water, swimming upstream, or going in at the deep end. I care not for pondering water-based clichés in an attempt to assign deeper meaning to this theory. To be honest, I just wrote this because the word ‘drowneded’ is funny to me.
{Dedicated to Megan Hathaway and Ruth Roberts with whom I first discussed this ‘drowneded’ business and also they wanted a shout out}

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